


Stupid is as Stupid Does

by maya_lev



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 10:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14767529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maya_lev/pseuds/maya_lev
Summary: Thor has a thing for stupidity. Literally.





	Stupid is as Stupid Does

Thor usually did not get involved in the pledge initiation process. But Stark had insisted he attend this time, informing him that some very promising young lads were joining their Avengers team soon and that he should be there to witness it first hand. Thor hadn't really bought that but had thought to humor his friend especially since sometimes being the oldest member and not to mention the strongest of the team meant that he had to show his presence now and then. Better to get them started young and teach them to acknowledge him as the ultimate leader. _Not_ Stark. And definitely not the prudish Rogers.

The Avengers were all about keeping the body flexible, mind fit and world-saving virtues intact. This round of the process involved the pledges running through a series of obstacles, climbing ropes, jumping from steep ledges, swinging from trees, holding your breath underwater - you get the idea. The pledges, wearing all sort of gears, from helmet to kneecaps to sock on hands, stood at the start line. Thor with Banner by his side sat sipping beer on a beach chair. He looked at the eager and callow faces of the pledges and felt his hopes die. None of these weaklings were worth his time.

“They weak,” said Banner, scowling.

“I agree,” said Thor. “Wanna a beer?”

“Bruce no likes beer, Bruce likes popcorn.”

Stark who had been in a conversation with Rogers, turned and gave the assembled pledges a whistle. “No! Don’t start yet. That was just to get your attention.”

“The point of this process is not to win," said Rogers, "but to come out a better person at the end of the line. You will be scored not just on your endurance and agility, but also your style, your face and of course, your display of unquestionable masculinity.”

“Don't forget to tie your laces kiddos," said Stark, sniggering, "annnddd, on my mark." All the pledges crouched into position except one. An auburn-haired guy, with a wannabe facial hair that made Thor laugh snidely, stumbled over himself and bent to tie his shoes. Stark was smart. There's always this one kid who forgets to tie his shoes.

Thor who was leaning back in his chair and was busy counting stars, heard the whistle blow. An unexpected loud crash pierced the calm night air, followed by some more crashes, loud swearing, and anguished yells. Curious, Thor’s attention was pulled to the course, again. The pledges were playing football, scrambling on top of one another, limbs stuck in odd angles. The auburn-haired southern guy was at the bottom of this wriggling human pile.

“What the fuck?” exclaimed Rogers, then urgently added, “I meant what the fig?”

“No!” Stark, “This is _not_ how this works. Get up, all of you. _Now_.”

Everybody scrambled to get away from everybody else. Thor stood up, his beer forgotten and went to inspect the problem. Lying on the floor was the same auburn-haired boy. He tried to get up, but his legs gave out and he fell back.

“What's wrong with him?” said Roger, glancing at his the sheet he hand in hand. “Quill? Peter Quill? There's no medical history or injury mentioned here.”

Thor approached Quill and gave him his hand. The man looked up at him with deep, dark brown eyes that were very confused. “I tied my shoes,” he said. Indeed he had. He had tied the lace of each shoe with the other.

Thor felt himself go absolutely still. He got a little dizzy as all the blood in his body rushed south. This creature, he thought, looking at the fallen angel,  was no ordinary creature. He was a special kind of stupid. He felt jittery as he lifted Quill off the ground and held him close.

Stark coughed. Thor ignored him. Banner laughed. Thor ignored him, as well.

“You are _so_ hot,” said Thor, his lips pressed against Quill’s ear. The freshman was turning him on so much. He was losing control of reality.

“I am?” squeaked Quill. Then recognizing his captor, he turned beet red, “You are Odinson! You play for the Nationals League!”

Thor nodded, putting Quill down. He bent down, untied the man’s shoelaces and re-tied them. “Listen do you wanna come back to my room and fuck?” asked Thor, casually.

“Sure!” said Quill, then added hastily, “But only if you buy me flowers tomorrow.”

Everybody heard them, but Thor was okay with that. He had just met someone really special and he was going to fuck his brains out.

“Done deal,” he said. Pulling Quill along with him.

*

Thor was busy with his final year classes. He was majoring in law and was planning to give his bar examination next summer. So his hands were full.

Banner got bored watching him stick post-it notes all over his headboard, his mirror, his football jersey, the doorknob, the dead flower in the vase and on various other surfaces. It was Friday night; the Hulk wanted to party, get drunk and possibly get into a fistfight.

So Thor was dragged along to SHIELD, a happening pub near the college campus. His entire fraternity was there with the exception of Rogers and Stark. Thor didn't know what their deal was. He entertained himself by dirty dancing with Romanoff. She belonged to their sister sorority and was cool. That was when he heard a ruckus behind him and turned to look.

Quill, the cute freshman from last weekend, was having an argument with another guy. Thor watched as they confronted each other viciously, and then suddenly, the other guy stalked off in a huff.

Quill relaxed back into his and gave his drink a good sip. Thor dismissed Romanoff and approached Quill.

“Hi,” said Thor, looming over Quill with his giant frame. “Trouble? Do you need me to punch someone for you?”

Quill looked up, eyebrows raising high. “Thor,” he said. His face became red. “No. He was just a friend. We always argue. Do you wanna sit, man?” He said, patting the seat beside him. Before Thor could reply though: “Oh,” said Quill. He picked up a phone from where he had patted the seat. “This is Rocket's.”

Thor sat down beside him and watched as Quill dug through his leather jacket to get his phone out. He rung a number and waited. Glancing at Thor, he said, “Sorry. I should probably let him know that he's left his phone behind,” The phone in his other hand rang, but Quill ignored it.

“Damn Rocket, that stupid guy doesn't pick up when you want him to,” sighed Quill and tried redialing.

Thor watched and found himself growing very hard. This man was truly special. He relieved Quill of both the phones and held the man’s face between both his hands. “Peter Quill, you are the hottest person I have ever met.”

Quill's eyes glazed over, and he said, “You are hotter.”

“I want to assfuck you right now,”  said Thor, huskily, struggling to breathe through his lust. “Let's go to my car.”

“Okay,” said Quill.

*

The fraternity wanted to raise money to help the victims of cowardice. Rogers spearheaded the planning for the event like he always did, and Stark was in charge of executing it. That is how Thor found himself splayed out on the porch outside their frat house, basking in the warm sun. Stark had made him babysit a bunch of freshmen who were spray painting various models of monsters. ‘Just make sure they get the job done’ Stark had said.

It was a warm day, and Thor had just finished a long essay on Torts, so his mind wanted to slow down and let his body take over. He was almost about to fall asleep when he heard a shout from a familiar voice. “Hey, you guys!” Thor opened his heavy eyelids with much effort and saw Quill running to the painting group, waving something at them.

Thor craned his eyes to get a better look. Quill was waving a couple of transparent plastic bags at the other guys. “The paint will get into your eyes, guys. Wear these,” he said, handing over the bags. The freshmen exchanged looks between them. Then, one guy with a shaved head and weird tattoos on his body said, “Nah man, we are good.”

Thor watched as Quill huffed, shrugged and proceeded to wear a bag on his head. He then picked up a canister and sprayed blue paint all over one of the models. Two minutes later he was swaying on his feet.

Thor felt a current run through him. Unable to contain the excitement in his pants he jumped up and approached Quill from behind. He opened his arms and caught Quill from the back when he fell. He pressed his hard dick against the firm ass. Removing the plastic, he whispered in Quill’s ear, “I’m going to take you to my room, and let you suck me off.”

“Thor?” said Quill, a little dreamily, “Yes, please.”

*

On the next Thursday afternoon, when Stark barged into Thor's room, his hand was up Romanoff’s skirt.

“What the hell?” said Stark, standing frozen in the doorway and covering his eyes. Romanoff slipped off Thor’s bed and silently walked out of the door. “I thought you were going out with that Quill kid,” said Stark, accusingly. He was a little protective of his ‘wards’, this one.

“Nah,” said Thor, making a face and smiling, “We are just friends.”

“Yeah, right,” said Stark, rolling his eyes. “Well, listen, I need you to have a second look at this month’s expenses. You have a keen eye for these things.” Stark handed Thor a bunch of files and headed out.

Thor wasn’t really cranky about Stark cockblocking him. It was just a bit of fun to distract himself from the heavy load of homework that awaited him. Thor decided he would fix himself some coffee before getting back to work. He went down to the kitchen and found the subject of his earlier conversation standing there.

“Hi there,” he said smiling and approaching him. “No class?”

“Oh, Thor!” said Quill, turning and freezing as he noticed him. Thor watched as the man’s chocolate brown eyes ran down the length of him. Shooting Thor a guilty look for checking him out, he said, “No, no classes.”

Thor moved closer to Quill. “Can you make me some coffee?” They were standing very close.

Quill looked up at him with quizzical, brown eyes and said, “You smell like a woman.”

Thor was thrown off. Something tugged oddly at him. Was Quill going to make a fuss? He wondered. But then the brunette smiled and took Thor’s mug from him. Turning away to fill the coffee jug with water, he said, “Is it a new perfume?”

Thor felt jittery and light-headed. He reached out and touched the side of Quill’s face with the tip of his fingers. Quill’s skin electrocuted him.

“It’s Romanoff’s,” said Thor, wrapping Quill under his arms and breathing in deeply. He was getting hard again. Quill had such an effect on him.

“Oh, I didn’t know she had a perfume named after her. Wow, that’s _so_ cool,” said Quill, turning around in his arms so they were standing face to face.

“Sshh,” said Thor, leaning down and biting Quill’s lower lip. He was going to devour the guy. Make him _his_.

“You don’t want coffee?”

“Later,” hissed Thor, lust getting the better of him. “My room, _now_.”

*

They ended up doing it several times throughout the night and in several positions, too. Thor was addicted to Quill and he was beginning to think there was no one else like him. There was something extremely intoxicating about this man. As dusk fell, and stars came up, Thor felt sated. He didn’t have the heart to ask Quill to leave, considering the vigorous physical strain he had put the other man through.  Pulling him under his weight and wrapping him with a firm hand, Thor went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up to the sound of Quill yowling in the bathroom. Rubbing his eyes, Thor got off his bed and knocked on the bathroom door. “Everything okay, Quill?”

“Why does your toothpaste burn?” said Quill, his voice sounding coarse. The bathroom door opened and Quill thrust something into Thor’s hand.

“My toothpaste doesn’t burn,” said Thor, a little confused. He wasn’t fully awake yet. He glanced at the tube that was thrust into his hand. It was a tube of Jack Black beard lube.

“It does,” said Quill, turning to the faucet and rinsing his mouth.

Thor felt himself grow hard again.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt from Anon:  
> 'Quill is really stupid and Thor is attracted to that. Like he is a dumbass and Thor gets turned on and gets an erection everytime he does something stupid. So they keep having sex all the time bc Quill is really stupid.'
> 
> This is my first ever attempt at writing a crack fic. Dear Anon, I hope I haven't totally sabotaged your idea. (Also, thank you so much for the prompt. It was very intriguing and I liked the challenge of doing something that I have never done before). Everyone else, you think I should ever be allowed to write crack again?
> 
> Stupidity inspired by incidents from all over the internet. The perfume misinterpretation is a total rip off from one of IISuperwomanII's videos (one of my favorite girls out there). Shaving cream used as a toothpaste was a real-life incident, a friend narrated to me.


End file.
